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历劫不悔----人生的启迪  

2009-11-19 15:11:11|  分类: 百味人生 |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

  下载LOFTER 我的照片书  |

 这篇文章是英文班同学刘真爸爸(一位有才华的英语教授)写的回忆录后记。她发给我是为了鼓励我克服困难学好英语。读后感慨万端,我对刘真说:“谢谢你!这不止对于我的学习,更是对人生的启迪。”刘真鼓励我:“那么你加油吧!” 

As a boy, I saw my country bullied and despised by industrialized powers, and hoped one day I could do my bit in helping China shake its weakness and poverty. That was why, four decades ago, I made the crucial decision to remain on the mainland to dedicate me youth and abilities to the new-born Republic. It turned out that my patriotic fervor was not rewarded. Discrimination against me began with the dark shadow of suspicion which hovered over me even before I set my foot in the revolutionary ranks. For eight years since then I was kicked about with enmity and disgust, while the discrimination gained intensity and ultimately escalated into an indefinite prison term. I was rehabilitated at the age of fifty-five after twenty-one years in the labor camp. This plus nine wasted years as a suspected spy made up three decades from age twenty-five to fifty-five, the prime of my adult life, all ruthlessly trampled to smithereens along with the unreserved enthusiasm with which I flung all of myself into the embrace of my beloved motherland. 

童年时期看到我们的国家总是受到列强的欺凌,就盼望着自己长大了能为国家摆脱贫困和落后尽一份力量。40年前我拒绝逃离大陆,留下来为新生的人民共和国服务,就是出于这个初衷。但是我的爱国热忱并没有得到应有的回报,从参加革命队伍的第一天,我就被怀疑、受歧视,直到最后险些在劳改农场了此一生。改正时我已经55岁,在劳改农场度过了21年。加上这以前背着特务嫌疑浪费的9年,一共是整整30年。我从25岁到55岁这30年宝贵的壮年岁月,连同我投身祖国怀抱时火一样的爱国热情,一起被无情地践踏得粉碎。 

I received an apology for “a mistaken indictment” on the day of my rehabilitation, but was refused compensation of financial losses caused by salary cut. I was neither elated at the apology nor saddened by the refusal of a compensatory payment, because neither was of any consequence  in comparison with the humiliation I went through and the losses I sustained. At seventy-two, I am long past the age of ambitions and adventures, but I tent to think more as I become older and less mobile. I am glad that I still can write these liens. I trust that I could not write them at all if I passed my years in peace and happiness. 

改正时,组织为“错划”赔礼道歉,但21年扣发的工资不予补发。我既没有因为领导道歉而快乐,也没有为不补发工资而难过。因为同我蒙受的屈辱和损失相比,这两者的损失是微不足道的。我73岁了,早已过了做梦和盲动的年龄。同时由于活动较少,思考就比较多些。我还能写出这些文字是值得庆幸的。我也相信假如我的一生平稳而幸福,我也许就写不出来。 

There is a copy of Complete Works of Shakespeare on my bookshelf. It looks quite new, since I have had it rebound with the rotted edges trimmed off. Yet when leafed through, many of the pages show glaring marks of water stain, being yellowed along the edges at greater width towards the cover. The flyleaf, the title page and the table of contents are missing. New and better copies are available, yet I am reluctant to dispense with the old book. The plays are intact, but more important, it is a reminder of my experience and that of the nation. 

我的书架上有一本英国版本的《莎士比亚全集》,很破旧了。虽然托人重新装订时,切去了残破的边缘,外表比较整齐了,但翻开仍可看到大部分书页边缘上宽窄不同的黄色的水渍。现在要另买一本新的已经可以办到,但我还是愿意用这一本。它虽然破损,蜚页、目录、版权页都没有了,内容却是完整的,弃之可惜。更重要的是这本书时时让我想起我自己的一段经历。

I have related in Chapter X that a large number of old books, including some of my own, were sequestered at the beginning of the Cultural Revolution, and that I had a part in classifying and registering them. Before long they were hauled away, and it was very much later that I learned of the tragic fate that befell them. The books were taken to the head-office of the labor camp where they were unloaded en bloc in the basement and heaped along with those seized from other branch-farms. It happened that a leak in the drainage system caused the basement to be flooded with water. Nothing was done to repair it, since all operations were suspended to give way to mutual denunciations, poster writing, hysterical rackets and bloody torturing of victims. The basement also served as storeroom for other things. Walking across the flooded floor to carry the supplies, the men laid their hands on whatever was available to build a pathway that led up to the exit. Books were within easy reach and made excellent paving material. Western books with hard covers were found more satisfying than paper-backs, so more of these went under water to facilitate the transport. Abundant books made inexhaustible supply, so layer upon layer the pathway grew, to the convenience of the happy-go-lucky road-builders who were spontaneously helping to wipe out the denounced old and Western culture. Unknown volumes of books, like their unknown ill-fated owners, were thus made to play roles they ought not to have played. But the pathway was built and kept in good repair, which was the sole concern of those who held sway over their destiny.

我在本书第十章记述了“文革”初期,农场没收了一大批旧书,其中也有我的几本,而且我还参加了整理和登记这些书的工作。接着这些书就运走了,不知下落。很久以后才得知这些书的悲惨命运。原来当年队部把书送到农场的场部,和其他分场交来的书汇总,堆放在场部的地下室里。这地下室据说很大,除堆书以外还用来贮存别的东西。后来下水道损坏,地下室地面积水,不好走路。人们忙着批斗,谁也不管修理,管仓库的人只好“就地取材”,用那些书铺路。一层不够厚就多铺几层,下面的踩烂了就继续加上去。好在存书甚多,可以随意取用。外文书大都是精装的,恰恰是上好的铺路的材料。这些书就这样充当了本来不应该让它们充当的角色。听到这些,我不禁想起我亲手整理过的邢先生的那些原版文学书,也不知有多少这样地委身沟壑了。书若有灵,书当一哭。 

Like their owners, they were crushed, molested or trampled on without mercy, the degree of their misfortune varying only from the top layer to the bottom.

然而这些书们也应该知道,它们的主人们的命运也没有好多少,他们也在那里垫路,也在那里忍受着践踏。其幸与不幸,不过是垫在上层或下层不同而已。 

One day in the spring of 1973 a fellow inmate, Zheng, came to me with a coverless, crumpled mess of a book. Upon close examination, it was a copy of Complete Works of Shakespeare, its completeness marred by the absence of the sonnets, a cover, besides some missing parts described at the beginning of this passage. He told me elatedly that he found it in a wastepaper basket in the boiler room, from which the boiler man took kindling for his fire. In this way I regained an item of my lost property, although it was not the same copy. I thanked my friend gratefully for thinking of me. 

1973年的一个春天,一起在农场就业的老郑忽然兴冲冲地送一本书给我。那是一本撕掉封面的英国版的《莎士比亚全集》,书页的边上被水浸过,已经破烂,幸而没有损坏文字部分。我高兴地问老郑是从哪里弄来的。他说,刚才在锅炉房同烧锅炉的闲聊,看到他有满满一花篓的旧书和废纸,那锅炉工是准备用它们引火的。老郑随意翻阅那些旧书,发现了这本书,大喜过望,向那锅炉工讨来,便给我送来了。七年前我上缴了一批书,今天却重得了一本《莎士比亚全集》----尽管不是原来那一本。 

Unillustrated and not gilt-edged, the book is inferior to the Oxford edition I had lost even when it was new. Yet somehow I cherish it more than any other book in my possession, less because I got it in a most unusual way than because of the special course of its very existence, which I found so amazingly similar to my own. Like its new owner, the book is scarred from the wounds it received, soiled and defective, having miraculously survived atrocities that normally would have meant certain destruction, Nevertheless, like its new owner, it is still of use, doing justice to its blessed survival.

这是比较普通的英文版本,无插图,书边没有烫金,即使没有损坏也不及我失掉的那本牛津版。然而我很喜欢这本书,因为它的命运和我的经历惊人地相似。像它的新主人一样,这本书历经浩劫竟奇迹般地存活下来。也像它的新主人一样,它是残损的,全身都是伤疤,并不好看,但是还可以用。劫后余生的价值也正在于此。

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